F I V E months!

Millie Willard you slow it down right now, sister!
This has by far been my absolute favorite month of my life!! You are SOOOOOO fun.  So animated.  So happy.  So full-of-life.  So adorable.
Are you sure you're mine???!!!.... of course you are... every article of clothing and accessory had your name on it at the hospital so we keep telling ourselves there's no way to they could have given us the wrong baby :)).. plus you are starting to look more like your daddy every day.  I'm okay with that... kind of... just promise me you'll eventually have something of mine??

It has been quite a ride this month! SITTING UP on your own... insisting to hold your own bottle when we give you one... having a double ear infection... an eye infection... we even took the infant insert out of your car seat (which makes for a much happier millie when we ride in the car) WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE DID MY NEWBORN GO?? Oh, yeah... can't forget-- YOU HAVE A TOOTH!!!

Watching you sleep is one of my favorite things to do these days--- you clasp your hands together under your chin like the most precious little cherub angel I've ever seen.  It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it and of course I cry every time I witness it.  Speaking of sleep--let's just go ahead and talk about that.  You're starting to KIND OF get the hang of it... You are in your crib.  Last week we started putting you down at 9.. let me explain.  The doctor (and most books i'd read) insisted we put you down at 7, dream feed between 10-11, and then you should sleep until 7 am.  You never got that memo.  You'd wake AT LEAST 4 times between 7 and 3:30 and at 3:30 you were up ready to do the chicken dance and party until the sun came up! Silly Girl!  I'd convinced myself that this was the reason the Lord paved the way for me to be able to stay home with you because He knew I'd be getting very little sleep.  I told myself to just buckle up and cease every minute I could spend with you, but I started to get delirious, cranky, and couldn't get anything done during the day because I was so tired.  We changed your bed time to 9 and started putting you down for a nap around 6:45... Since then you have (still woken up 2-3 times, but have gone right back to sleep.. I usually feed you just one of those times.. which is better than what I was doing and feeding you like 3 times throughout the night.. woooo buddy was that rough) slept later and later into the morning.  The first time you woke up at 5:30 am (and believe me we celebrated this because for some reason 5:30 is WAY better than 3:30).. then 6:30 the next day.. then 7 ish... then NINE O'CLOCK???... and now you've started consistently waking up between 6:15-6:45.  THANK YOU.  I know your tooth had to have SOMETHING to do with that inconsistent sleeping pattern and I'm sure the ear infections didn't help either...

Another favorite thing these days is pushing you in the jogging stroller.  YOU LOVE IT.. I think you love that you don't have to be strapped into that silly carseat and the weather the past week and a half has been glorious and you just smile and giggle your way through the breeze.  Thankfully, I'm finally able to run again (slowly but surely) and we can enjoy that time together!

Other things that you love:
-your jumper.. you stay in there for about 20 minutes occupying yourself
-SOPHIE..I don't know what it is about that stinkin giraffe but she has been your bestie
-to swing.. sadly you're about to get too big for the swing :(.. you already fall asleep and end up with your head leaning forward
-to TALK TALK TALK
-TO SMILE.. ALLLLL. THE. TIME.
-to play in the mirror
-for people to sing to you--you stare in amazement!
-to take a bath
-the pool
-lotion
-EMJAY.. You watch her in amazement, too
-you won't sleep without your giraffe lovie... Tone-tone got you a replacement one if the first one goes missing.. thank goodness she did because the weekend she gave it to us we were traveling home from her house and you had quite a BIG accident in your car seat and giraffe love #1 fell victim.. ha
-to sleep on your side
-to giggle
-the booger snatcher
-to wiggle your head back and forth and make a snorty sound when you realize it's time to eat or see a bottle (so hilarious)
-when we let you take naps with us in our bed
-other babies.. you had a playdate with Archer Crawford and Owen Harness and "wouldn't keep your hands off them"... also--you had your first kiss! :).... ha Beckett Helmkamp planted one on ya.. actually he started sucking your lip and you just did a little giggle and let him  HA
-to suck your lips together, to suck your toes, and you have started to suck your thumb much more.. it was funny when you first started because you'd throw your arm out really wide then bring it in to your face and completely miss your mouth a few times before you got it. :)
-the sound machine when you sleep (we just use an old iPhone with the "sleep pillow" app)
-to be outside

You went golfing for the first time with daddy this past weekend.  You had so much fun riding in the golf cart.  The joy on your face scooting in the breeze was so cute.

The next night (7.21.14) I was finishing up dinner and your daddy was holding you.  We were (like usual) gnawing on your hands and drooling like mad and he stuck his finger in and felt a tooth!!!! WHATTTTT??!  I hadn't felt for one in a few days so not sure how long it had been broken through the skin.

You're just the best and as I say every month.. I can't believe you're FIVE MONTHS OLD. :(
I am loving every minute of being home with you, Mills.  Thank you!

Choosing Happy

I don't even know where to begin. I have an overwhelming desire to write this post because I feel like i just need to get every thought I've been feeling the past month out. Joy. Disappointment. Hope. Discontentment. Excitement. Anxiousness. Fear. Sorrow. Thankfulness. Desperation. Overwhelming feeling of blessedness (is that a word)..... I've felt it all. I wish I could blame this on the roller coaster that is being a mom but there's so much else to take into consideration. Aside from my eternal salvation and my marriage, Millie Everett Willard is the most amazing blessing in my life. The joy that radiates from her eyes is heart wrenching. I pray that light and joy is ever present in her life.

I guess I do know where I should begin.. And that's by saying I should have been diagnosed with ADD a LONG time ago- I'm not saying that to be funny. I don't take that lightly because I know so many sweet kiddos [and adults] that struggle with it. I know I have it. I'm just afraid to hear a doctor say it because I hate for my body to depend on medicine. On a given day I think my brain does about 5 million jumping jacks. So this post may make this obvious.

I LOVE MY DAUGHTER. I wouldn't change a single thing about the past four and a half months.   Not even the sleepless nights. I know that "trials of this life are His mercies in disguise"  the past month and a half Millie has decided to stop sleeping. I love sleep. I wish she did. I REALLY wish she did. We found out poor baby has a double ear infection last Monday so a lot of her sleeplessness can be accredited to that. The rest of it is MY FAULT. She is my first child (and we are thinking our only) and I just was not ready to let her out of touching distance at night. She slept in the rock n play until almost three months. Then we moved her to the pack n play- both in our room. On my side of the bed. The pack n play sleeping went on the past month. Sleep has been a huge hazy blur for me. I couldn't imagine letting her "cry it out"- I just felt like I'd be abandoning her when she needed me. But I got desperate. I let her cry for an hour straight one night and sweet girl still did not go to sleep :(.

After she got the ear infection the doctor suggested letting her sleep upright. So I let her sleep in her swing two nights-- she only woke up once both nights.. As opposed to her normal SEVEN. Yep. Seven. Again- my fault. She has been relying on "sucking" as her soothing method to get back to sleep and oblivious me let it go on too long before realizing it.
So now she is in her crib. Wow what a night we had last night. EIGHT crying wakings. Then up at 3:30 and ready to play. Only sleeping a few five minute stretches until 8:30... Mmm hmmm. Also at 6:30 I got the swing to put in our room in hopes that both of us could get some sleep... Changed her diaper (she was laying on our bed) and I literally thought to myself- the only way this could get any worse is if she peed on our bed. YEP!!! :(((. Millie I'm not writing this to make you feel bad.  I'm writing it because I know one day very soon this will make us all laugh. I know this is just a season and I am sinking my toes in because I'm determined not to wish a single moment away. I love you... See. So many emotions.

I also have this terrible "disease" where I constantly want to FIX things that I have no control over. The only thing I can usually contribute to the situation is a shoulder to lean on and a prayer. Right now the thing I'm lugging around is wishing I could take away the pain and grief from my mom and papaw (and the rest of the family) of the loss of my Nanny. I see their pain and I hear their daily struggles and I just so greatly desire to help and take it away. I know their pain right now is part of the grieving process but I wish they didn't have to feel it.
Another thing I want to fix is having my family near me. I still cry every single time I leave them. I constantly worry about my mom - she truly would do anything for anyone- especially her family and I pray so often that she would just find JOY in this life.

Told you this post was going to be a doozie. Speaking of doozie- a double doozie from great American cookie sounds SO good right now

Now. Let me come down from my ridiculous ranting podium and THANK THE LORD for my family that I wish I lived near, for my daughter who i am not sure what this life would be like without, for my husband who wipes my tears, lifts me up, and always makes me laugh , for my home that we've made so many memories in that The Lord helped us sell, and for bens family who has always welcomed me in. I truly realize how WONDERFUL I've got it.....  My complaints and "ailments" are so petty as I sit and think about children in Rwanda who just want to be fed and loved, about widows who yearn to hear their husband's voice again or feel his touch, and for sweet couples who have lost their babies or who have tried for years to have a family. Lord would you heal the hearts of those, hug them with your righteous hands, and lord, give them hope for the path you are paving for them.

1 Peter 1:3-6

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,  and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you,  who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.  In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.

I am so incredibly blessed that I have what I have. My prayer for myself today is that I would get so wrapped up in my blessings that when I wash my makeup off tonight my smile won't fade. That I'll see the JOY in every situation and that I will be THANKFUL.
I went to visit my mom last week and on the way home Sunday Ben and I listened to a focus on the family about "choosing happy".                    
John Maxwell spoke about how joy is a choice. We don't get to choose our circumstances but we can choose our attitude. There were so many great quotes that I wish I could remember but the central message was that we are as happy as we allow ourselves to be. Today I'm choosing happy.

4 months..When you love what you have, you have everything you need.

I can't even believe the 23rd of June is already here.  I also can't believe that Millie Willard is already 4 months old.  That's way too close to 6 months.. which is WAY too close to 12 months.  Can't even deal with all this!

The days between month 3 and 4 seemed like a haze!  Millie- you changed so stinkin' much the past two weeks.  You are a completely different kid.
Before I start listing all the ways you have changed and how completely brilliant you are let me tell you my absolute favorite thing that you have started doing.  First of all, I kiss your cheeks.. a lot.  Like an unhealthy amount of times a day.. Now, when I lean in to kiss you--you grab my cheeks and oh my gracious heavens it makes my heart do this little flutter/pitter patter and I smile instantly.
Also, your chunkiness seems to have quadrupled the past few days.  It's amazing.  I love it.  I love every single little roll and crevice.  You are a chunky ball of pure cuteness.

At 4 months:
-your sleep pattern is a little off-kilter  :/... it's okay.. really.  I mean I can function off of 3 hours of sleep (combined.. here and there... I'll take what I can get).  We have slowly started pushing your bed time back and you are going to sleep around 8:15 now.. instead of 7.. and you aren't a terror when it's time for bed like you used to be! WAY TO GO, SIS!  You typically wake up around 11 (eat.. a lot.. I started feeding you with a bottle at this time to see how much you were eating), then again around 1:30... then 3:30...then 6 :) ha.. yeah it's fun times.. but actually last night you slept from 8-3:30 (I'm thinking it's because of the fact that you literally spent hours at the pool. Maybe we should go to the pool every day?  Wouldn't bother this tanning addict of a mom you have!

-you LOVE taking a bath
-you are rolling from belly to back/and have almost mastered back to belly--that one arm just gets in your way and you're trying so hard to figure it out!
-you "talk".. A LOT!
-you kick alllll the time.. no matter where you are, what you're sitting in..
-your cheeks are major chunky (so presh)
-you LOVE your jumper
-you chew/gnaw on EVERYTHING!
-you DROOL like a rushing fountain
-sophie the giraffe is your bestie
-you love being in the pool
-you do this adorable huge (mouth wide open) smile when I walk over to get you out of your swing
(you still really love your swing)
-you love to sleep on your side.. but it scares mommy
-you love mommy & daddy's bed :/ (we only put you in our bed in the mornings)
-you love for daddy to carry you in the jeep carrier
-you love to have your hair brushed
-when we put your pacifier in your mouth and you rub your giraffe lovie across your face a few times you are usually asleep within like two minutes
-you still sleep with a sound machine
-you are starting to take a little interest in EmJay... :)
-you look around the room at things
-you HOLD YOUR OWN BOTTLE way too often
-you love for mommy to read to you
-you like TV.. a little too much ;/
-you reach for lots of things
-your hair is finally growing back on top (blonde) so hopefully your mullet won't be as noticable!!
-you are wearing 6 month clothes
-you weigh about 13.8 pounds
-you still can't wear shoes.. your feet are too long and skinny :)
-and......you HATE being in the carseat too long... the trip to Florida should be interesting.. (ha really it's just hit or miss.. sometimes you are completely content.. others it's like King Kong is coming out in you and it terrifies me.. and usually makes me cry)

I'm sure you're wondering about the title of this post.  One of the best things about you being 4 months old is because this month brought something very new and scary.. yet very exciting for you, daddy, and mommy.  I decided to take the year off from the most amazing job I could ever ask for to stay home with you! YEP!!  Millie, this was one of the most difficult decisions I (and your dad) have ever had to make.  I am absolutely grateful for my job with every ounce of my being.  Jesus truly blessed me when he led me to the door of Williams Elementary with my resume and portfolio back in 2009.  Every morning that I turned the key to unlock the door of the school (I was usually one of the first people there ha), I knew it was right where I was supposed to be.  When I went to tell Mrs. Gardenhire (my principal) that your dad and I had made the decision for me to stay home with you, I could barely speak because of the tears.  However, it was hard for me to imagine a whole school year away from you.  All I could think about were all of your "firsts" that I would miss.  I am not saying that it is ever easy for anyone to leave their children to go to work.  What I'm saying is, just like Jesus blessed me with that amazing job, He is also blessing us by paving the way, leading us down this new path and making it (monetarily) possible for me to stay home with you!  And He IS paving the way.  That's where the title comes in.  With some inspiration from a dear friend, I decided to open a small online/social media "shop" called "Hot Glue and Paint, Too".  I've been selling paintings and hair accessories.  My friend Jordyn asked me to paint a sign that said, "When you love what you have, you have everything you need."  HOW TRUE.  For me to stay home with you, our lifestyles are going to have to change.  I had been titling it as "making sacrifices", but I don't think that's a fair term because nothing that we are "giving up" is worth  anything close to what I will be getting to experience with you, sweet girl.   I love everything about being home with you so far.  It is great to have small reminders throughout our day-to-day routine to remind us that a simple life is a happy life.  I LOVE WHAT I HAVE!  I love you, Millie Willard!!!


We took a mini family vacay to the lake this weekend.  YOU LOVED THE POOL.  it was so much fun to watch you and play with you!

The days between month 3 and 4 also brought numerous tears.  I already get super emotional thinking about you growing and changing and all that comes with all of the whole "they don't stay little for long" thing, but mommy had some really dark days this month.  Our Nanny passed away.  My sweet Nanny that I sadly never got to take you to meet.  We were planning a trip to Nanny and Pappaw's the weekend after she passed away.  She passed away so quickly.  I thought I was on my way to Baptist Hospital in Little Rock to hear a not so good prognosis from her cancer doctor.  I was mentally preparing myself for hours the night before to "be strong" and not cry in front of her when I heard what the doctor would have to say.  We had watched her be so incredibly strong a few years ago when she was suffering through breast cancer.  On her hardest days she would constantly tell us "I'll be okay"  or "it's not that bad".. I had made it to Mayflower when i noticed the sun peaking through the clouds.  I even (i know i know..) took a picture of it while driving because I thought it was so beautiful.  A few seconds later, your dad called me (I could hear somewhat of a panic in his voice) and he asked how far I was from the hospital... when I told him about 15 minutes he said to be careful but that I may want to drive a little faster because (aunt) Wendi had called him and it didn't sound good.  I got to the hospital and she met me in the parking lot.  I knew as soon as I saw her.  I literally couldn't feel my legs or hands.. I had been so stiff (gripping the steering wheel)..I kept repeating "Lord please get me there quick enough".  It turns out right about the time I was snapping that "beautiful cloud pic" my Nanny was looking my mom in the eyes saying "I've got to do something different".  She was then meeting Jesus, hearing angels singing, entering her eternal home.  She was reuniting with so many of our family members that had already passed.  She was witnessing something we could never dream up.  She was not longer suffering, and she was at peace.
 I was not prepared for what I would see when I got to the hospital.  I was prepared (well, probably not really) to be that strong granddaughter who was going to look my Nanny in the face and give her a big hug and listen to her reassure me that it would all be okay.  I didn't get that.  Though she was no longer with us, I sat for what seemed like hours holding her cold, tan, hard-working hands.  I kept saying "oh sweet Nanny".  I remember thinking there had to be more powerful or more meaningful words, but every time I opened my mouth to speak that's all that came out.  There were many hard days to follow after that one.  The one thing I was certain of, though, was that God gave me you.  Thank you, Jesus for the joyful face that I have here with me to brighten my day when I could easily cry alone on the couch.  Your Nanny loved you more than you'll ever know, Millie. :)  We are pushing on, and we are all doing all we can to be strong because Nanny was strong, and she would never want us to spend a single day unhappy.

A 3 Month Old Drooling Machine!

So... a week and a half ago Millie turned 3 months old!  I guess I will be saying this the rest of her life now, but "WHERE IN THE WORLD DID THE TIME GO??!"..
SERIOUSLY.  How and when did this happen?
I don't even feel like she's the same child---other than the incredible amount of "adorableness" (is that a word? pretty sure not)...and her room-warming smile...
Her eyes are SO blue... her hair has fallen out.. other than a chunk/rat tail in the back that is brown.. the few hairs that have grown back on the top of her hair are light---which her daddy likes.
She is SO long...
At 3 months old Millie LOVES:
-her HANDS and FEET.. she eats her feet and likes to clasp her hands together and put them in her mouth..
-to drool
-to kick anything she can reach with her feet
-for us to sing to her (yeah, I'm sure that will change so soon once she realizes how awful our voices are)
-bath time (melts our hearts)
-to eat
-sleeping  (she mainly "sleeps through the night").. we put her down around 7/7:30, do a dream feed around 10/10:30, then she usually wakes up to eat around 3:30 but goes back to sleep until 6ish... I can live with it, and enjoy every moment I have with her..I LOVE the look on her face after she has just eaten as she is falling back to sleep, but of COURSE I would not be mad if she decided to skip that 3:30 feeding very soon :P
-her light up/music turtle
-her three giraffe toys... one is a lovie, one is a chew toy (no I'm not confusing her with the dog)/lovie, and the other is sophie... the whole giraffe thing wasn't on purpose
-to talk
-to giggle
-the booger snatcher :)
-being outside
-emjay
-looking at other babies
-to be naked
-music
-for us to make funny sounds with our mouths
-to be swaddled in her sleep sack.. she usually falls alseep as soon as we put her arms down in it
-having her picture taken.. she smiles instantly when we hold up the camera or our phone
-to be held standing up
-to sit up


When you first started trying to pull up to sit up I thought I was going to have a panic attack wondering how we got to that point!  I was, of course, so proud of you, but it was hard to think of all the changes that have taken place the past three months.  I know that before we're ready for it you will be crawling and talking like crazy!!
I am almost positive you are about to start cutting teeth .. AHHHH.. that makes this nursing mom a little scared.. haha.. you drool ALL over yourself- we usually change your clothes at least 3 times a day!
You sat up in your bumbo like a champ the first time (a few weeks ago)..
Aunt wendi & uncle britt gave us a jumper--we put you in it last night, but it wasn't your favorite thing just yet!



It has been such a joyous month watching you grow and getting to love on you, sweet Millie!  You have done A LOT of travelling in this third month of your life.  On May 4 we ventured to Little Rock for Saylor's shower.  You did so well on the way there, but got SUPER hot on the way home and the last hour was SO hard... so many tears (from us both, ha).
Two weeks ago, your sweet Nanny passed away.  You were SUCH a trooper (although we were very weary of travelling with you again) and slept most of the way there and back when we went to Marvell for the funeral.  Though it was such a difficult time, I was so thankful you got to meet all of your southeastern Arkansas family!!! While I'm talking about it, let me just say what a blessing it is to have such a joyful and beautiful baby girl (and her daddy) while mourning the loss of such a special lady in my life.  You bring us light on the darkest of days.
This past weekend was cousin Brennan's first birthday (how is that possible???) and we went to Jonesboro Friday- Sunday... again, you did so well in the car! :) WAY TO GO, MILLS!

I am so looking forward to a fun-filled summer of mommy/millie bonding time!!! I also can't wait for you to fall as deeply in love with being at the pool as I am.. YOU BETTER LOVE THE POOL :) haha

Here are a few of our favorite pictures from the past month!

Earth has no sorrows that Heaven can't heal.

As I held Nanny's hand and told her how much I love her, how much I'm going to miss her, and how thankful I am for her I couldn't help but think that her hands tell her whole life story.  If we sat down and thought about all the wonderful, joyful, and difficult things she's done with her hands we would quickly see what a caring and giving woman she is.  Her hands prove that her life was one that was well-spent.

-As a child Nanny used her hands to help her mom and dad on their farm.
-She helped "mother" her younger sister
-Then as a teenager she used her hands to place a ring on Pappaw's finger.  Her left hand housed her wedding ring from Pappaw for nearly 58 years.
-She rocked, changed the diapers, and raised 7 of her own babies
-she patted the bottom and played "ride little horsey down to town" with 14 grand-kids
-she cradled her great grandkids and loved them more than they'll ever know
-she laid her daddy, her momma, brothers, sisters, and daughter to rest


With her servant hands she also:
-planted and picked a garden with Papaw every year
-canned boo-koodles of pickles and handed them out so freely
-made enough jelly to feed all of the tri-county area year after year
-canned anything and everything and entered it in her grandkids names at the fair for so many years so we would have money to put in our "piggy banks"
-picked switches off of her trees to discipline us all.. too many times to count
-put us on the couch to "hug it out" until we got along with each other
-flipped skillets to make pancakes and fried corn bread
-held a ladle to stir millions of gallons of sweet tea so there was always some in the refrigerator if someone came to visit
-scooped out ice cream to make us hound dogs
-turned the tv on to watch wheel of fortune and her "stories"
-drove all of her grandkids to "town" without a driver's license
-shelled purple hull peas until she had purple stains on her fingers
-shucked corn in front of the shop fan
-picked plums
-helped her grandkids go "bottle busting" in the ditches by her house
-dug through the "big house" to find her kids' old softball gloves, balls, and bats so we could have family softball games
-packaged deer meat and fish after every hunt or fishing trip of Papaw and Uncle Wayne's
-prepared food for our family for Sunday lunch for so many years
-hosted the Moore family for the yearly family reunion
-dusted all of her salt & pepper shakers and bells
-picked up pecans and cans so she could get money to hide from papaw
-washed bed sheets to let guests stay in her home
-lifted the deep freeze lid because she didn't think anyone else knew how
-made the biggest pan of dressing I've ever seen every year for Thanksgiving
-made chocolate pies, dishpan cookies, pecan pies, oatmeal and coconut pies, and crescents to please the tastebuds of us all at Christmas
-decorated her miniature Christmas tree
-hid Easter eggs
-sealed tupperware dishes because she always sent some kind of food home with us when we visited her
-planted touch me nots so her grandkids could enjoy popping them
-pinned her white hair back with bobby pins
-braided our hair
-waved until she could no longer see us when we left her house
-talked with her hands. ALWAYS.
-slipped on her house shoes which she never walked around the house without
-hung up the phone after saying "holler if you need me"

And those were the final words I heard her say.  "holler if you need me".  That's who she was.
-She lived a  simple, selfless life.  She was always thinking about someone else.  She was always willing to give more than she even had.  She loved us all so well.  She was and is NANNY.

hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go!

I just know I'll get two lines into this and start bawling.  I can't even believe this ten week stretch of being home with Millie is over.  Ahhh... TEN weeks?? Gone.  like the blink of an eye.  and yep.. here come the tears.  I know- "JUST WAIT".. i honestly HATE that term, but I know her life will just keep speeding past me without me realizing it... HOW SAD IS THAT???
I truly should be looking to the JOYful part of it---I got to take ten weeks when the norm is six weeks for maternity leave.  That's 70 days I got to sit and stare at my daughter without hesitation.  Without worrying about what time I had to wake up in the morning.  Without stressing over whether or not she would let me sleep at night so I would be worth something at work the next day.  Without having to scramble to get things ready the night before to leave her the next day.  70 days without HAVING to leave her (of course for my sanity I did leave the house without her).
And oh, how I have studied her every little part in those 70 days.  I've honestly done a really good job of "soaking it all in", but that may make leaving her even harder??  My favorite thing has always been her nose.  I still love it so much, but now I also really really love her hands--so much chubby cuteness and her nails are already longer than mine (I bite mine... and really need to cut hers).  As I'm rocking her we often talk about "uses" for our hands... well honestly, I do all the talking, but I'm positive she listens :).  I've told her about waving, shaking hands, one of my favorites--EATING... using our hands to write, type, grab and hold things, and using our hands to be THE hands of Jesus... to serve and worship.  I also secretly have told her about using her hands to wear a glove and to throw a softball :)... because I'd really enjoy being a ballpark mom and ballpark junkie again just like I was when I was young!  OF COURSE, I'll love her even if she doesn't love softball as much as I do... but I'll continue to be that voice in her ear until it is unhealthy and I should no longer be "pushing" ideas on my daughter. HA.
The past 70 days have been the best days of my life.  Every day was different.  Every day she was different.  She is so much fun.  SO much fun.
I love the way she looks at me like I am her world.  She is my world.

Everyone says this is the best time to leave her because I won't miss any of her "firsts".  I think it would be hard for me no matter when I went back (as I'm sure it is for most moms.. first timers for sure).  She is starting to discover her hands and feet.  The other day she touched her foot with her hand (on accident of course)...and I couldn't help but think, what if she starts grabbing her feet when I'm not here????......bah petty, I know, but gosh.

Last night when I was running on the treadmill I was having a MAJOR pity party.  Among other things that the devil was covering my thoughts with, I kept thinking about leaving her.  Then, the song "Holy Spirit" came on.  I realized instead of sulking in the fact that I have to spend 5 weeks away from my daughter before summer vacation, I should REJOICE.  Then I forced myself to start listing things in my head that were outright blessings straight from the Lord (that isn't something that is easy to do when you're in the midst of wallowing in things you have no control over but want to feel sorry for yourself over anyway).  When I thought about the next four things I couldn't run anymore.  I got off the treadmill and knelt down by the bed in our guest bedroom.  I thought about Millie.  How easy of a pregnancy I had (minus the throwing up), how easy and quick delivery was,  how smooth of a transition we have made being a family, and how happy of a baby she is.  WHAT A BLESSING.  The second blessing I started pondering (I LOVE THAT WORD) was Ben.  As I was running I looked down at the note he had left me on the treadmill a few weeks ago once I could finally start working out again (and was super discouraged because it was so hard).  It simply said- "I love you.  You're a great mom."  He loves me.  He truly loves me with everything he has, and he genuinely wants to see me happy.  He is the best friend I've ever had.  Thank you, Jesus for showing me your love through him.
Blessing number three was my job.  Isn't that just like God to put something in front of my face that is the root of why I was feeling pitiful in the first place.  My job is one of the most evident "God things" in my life.  After the Lord led me to Ben, he led me to Jerry Pop Williams Elementary.  I was on this year long journey of finding a job after finishing the MAT... I had long-term subbed at Williams and felt like that was the place I was meant to teach.  Finally, the next fall, I got hired, and I have enjoyed every single day since.  Calling what I do a "job" isn't really fitting because I absolutely LOVE where I work, who I work with, who I work for, and the parents and students I'm surrounded by.  Williams Elementary feels more like home to me.  Again, I was saying THANK YOU, Jesus.  The fourth blessing that overpowered my thoughts was Jesus.. dying for me.. on a cross.. a brutal, painful death.  for me.  I recently watched the Passion of the Christ.. I had never seen it.  Wow.  The part that got me most (other than a sinless man taking on every sin of this world) was when He was in the courtyard & the soldiers were whipping him.  Every time I heard them slap the whip I thought of a sin I'd committed (I know we aren't supposed to dwell on them once they've been forgiven) and thought, as I have many times before, those scars on his body were for ME!  Each scar represented a time I fell short, a time I mocked the Lord, or a time I let the ways of the world overtake me rather than choosing to walk in the light.  UGH!
So yeah- I got off the treadmill.. started crying tears of JOY through my THANKSGIVING and PRAISE.. I thanked the Lord.. thanked him that I HAVE a daughter to even worry about leaving,  that I have a husband here to support me and help me through the next five weeks, and that I have a job that I can actually LOOK FORWARD to returning to.

On that note--- I have 24 students (most that i've taught for 2 years) that I CANNOT wait to be reunited with!  I love them like they are my own kids, and I'm thankful to have five more weeks with them before they move on to another building next year.  They have brightened my day on the hardest of days.  They, too, look at me with such innocent eyes and see me for a much better person than I truly am.  Their sweet spirits are wonderful motivation.  I truly think I have the best class at Williams Elementary :).  THANK YOU, JESUS again!  I have also built very strong relationships with their parents.  Most of them are more like friends!

SO I HAVE DECIDED TO REJOICE- to be JOYful in the idea of going back to work.  I know I'm going to cry.  A LOT.  I know it is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I also know that the Lord is going to carry me through each day, and that once I get back into this routine it will get easier!

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!


and this doesn't really have anything to do with this post, but I finally found this after searching for MONTHS! I've been looking for it since we left the Majestic concert... it was SO powerful and I just remember standing with my mouth wide open as he read this.  So beautiful.  You HAVE to watch!
If there are words for him- I don't have them
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHQPuok_LnY

MY WORDS POINT TO THE WORD!!!