Choosing Happy

I don't even know where to begin. I have an overwhelming desire to write this post because I feel like i just need to get every thought I've been feeling the past month out. Joy. Disappointment. Hope. Discontentment. Excitement. Anxiousness. Fear. Sorrow. Thankfulness. Desperation. Overwhelming feeling of blessedness (is that a word)..... I've felt it all. I wish I could blame this on the roller coaster that is being a mom but there's so much else to take into consideration. Aside from my eternal salvation and my marriage, Millie Everett Willard is the most amazing blessing in my life. The joy that radiates from her eyes is heart wrenching. I pray that light and joy is ever present in her life.

I guess I do know where I should begin.. And that's by saying I should have been diagnosed with ADD a LONG time ago- I'm not saying that to be funny. I don't take that lightly because I know so many sweet kiddos [and adults] that struggle with it. I know I have it. I'm just afraid to hear a doctor say it because I hate for my body to depend on medicine. On a given day I think my brain does about 5 million jumping jacks. So this post may make this obvious.

I LOVE MY DAUGHTER. I wouldn't change a single thing about the past four and a half months.   Not even the sleepless nights. I know that "trials of this life are His mercies in disguise"  the past month and a half Millie has decided to stop sleeping. I love sleep. I wish she did. I REALLY wish she did. We found out poor baby has a double ear infection last Monday so a lot of her sleeplessness can be accredited to that. The rest of it is MY FAULT. She is my first child (and we are thinking our only) and I just was not ready to let her out of touching distance at night. She slept in the rock n play until almost three months. Then we moved her to the pack n play- both in our room. On my side of the bed. The pack n play sleeping went on the past month. Sleep has been a huge hazy blur for me. I couldn't imagine letting her "cry it out"- I just felt like I'd be abandoning her when she needed me. But I got desperate. I let her cry for an hour straight one night and sweet girl still did not go to sleep :(.

After she got the ear infection the doctor suggested letting her sleep upright. So I let her sleep in her swing two nights-- she only woke up once both nights.. As opposed to her normal SEVEN. Yep. Seven. Again- my fault. She has been relying on "sucking" as her soothing method to get back to sleep and oblivious me let it go on too long before realizing it.
So now she is in her crib. Wow what a night we had last night. EIGHT crying wakings. Then up at 3:30 and ready to play. Only sleeping a few five minute stretches until 8:30... Mmm hmmm. Also at 6:30 I got the swing to put in our room in hopes that both of us could get some sleep... Changed her diaper (she was laying on our bed) and I literally thought to myself- the only way this could get any worse is if she peed on our bed. YEP!!! :(((. Millie I'm not writing this to make you feel bad.  I'm writing it because I know one day very soon this will make us all laugh. I know this is just a season and I am sinking my toes in because I'm determined not to wish a single moment away. I love you... See. So many emotions.

I also have this terrible "disease" where I constantly want to FIX things that I have no control over. The only thing I can usually contribute to the situation is a shoulder to lean on and a prayer. Right now the thing I'm lugging around is wishing I could take away the pain and grief from my mom and papaw (and the rest of the family) of the loss of my Nanny. I see their pain and I hear their daily struggles and I just so greatly desire to help and take it away. I know their pain right now is part of the grieving process but I wish they didn't have to feel it.
Another thing I want to fix is having my family near me. I still cry every single time I leave them. I constantly worry about my mom - she truly would do anything for anyone- especially her family and I pray so often that she would just find JOY in this life.

Told you this post was going to be a doozie. Speaking of doozie- a double doozie from great American cookie sounds SO good right now

Now. Let me come down from my ridiculous ranting podium and THANK THE LORD for my family that I wish I lived near, for my daughter who i am not sure what this life would be like without, for my husband who wipes my tears, lifts me up, and always makes me laugh , for my home that we've made so many memories in that The Lord helped us sell, and for bens family who has always welcomed me in. I truly realize how WONDERFUL I've got it.....  My complaints and "ailments" are so petty as I sit and think about children in Rwanda who just want to be fed and loved, about widows who yearn to hear their husband's voice again or feel his touch, and for sweet couples who have lost their babies or who have tried for years to have a family. Lord would you heal the hearts of those, hug them with your righteous hands, and lord, give them hope for the path you are paving for them.

1 Peter 1:3-6

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,  and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you,  who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.  In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.

I am so incredibly blessed that I have what I have. My prayer for myself today is that I would get so wrapped up in my blessings that when I wash my makeup off tonight my smile won't fade. That I'll see the JOY in every situation and that I will be THANKFUL.
I went to visit my mom last week and on the way home Sunday Ben and I listened to a focus on the family about "choosing happy".                    
John Maxwell spoke about how joy is a choice. We don't get to choose our circumstances but we can choose our attitude. There were so many great quotes that I wish I could remember but the central message was that we are as happy as we allow ourselves to be. Today I'm choosing happy.