Saturday, December 26, 2015

Christmas 2015 & 11 wks 5 days--baby Willard #2

Christmas!!!! Where did it come from???  It snuck up on us, for sure.  I am blaming it on the weather....mainly mid 60s the whole week of Christmas, and almost 70 on Christmas day! WWWWWHATTT????
It was my favorite Christmas yet--seeing Millie's face light up at every little thing... Christmas lights, spotting "kissmas tees" everywhere we went, prezzies, "HoHo"...all of it.  She loved it all!
Millie got a play kitchen and a new baby doll this year.  She also got an easel from her Tone-Tone & a baby grand piano from Gammie & Gampie.  She got lots of other goodies from them and from all her cousins!  Such a spoiled little lady, but she was in desperate need of new toys---riding herself around in her baby's stroller was getting pretty old.  ha
It was so special to have Tone-Tone here with us this year! We went to the candle light Christmas Eve service at church at 3:30, then had dinner at Jason's Deli, then came home to decorate cookies!

After opening gifts and having lunch at Gammie & Gampie's Millie jumped in the jump house they got all the grandkids for over an hour.  She was SO hilarious.  She would go in head first through the netting and roll in.  SHE LOVED IT! She played her little heart out.  She never even took a nap and was so happy all day!  We cooked Christmas dinner with Tone-Tone & then gave her a bubble bath.  She started burping and grabbing her throat in the tub but was still happy and playing.  Around 8:45 we heard her crying in her bed.  It was a strange cry, so I went in to check on her.  There was throw up all over her and her bed.  She was sitting in the corner of her crib sobbing.  It was the saddest thing I've ever seen!! Poor sweet girl.  We all got her cleaned up and then she went back to sleep.  Around 4 she woke up again.  We brought her in our bed, and then she threw up about 20 minutes later.  She threw up again around 5:30...again...all over our bed.  
She started seeming normal and playing like herself again around 2 pm, and didn't throw up again.  So thankful it was so quick, and that none of us have gotten it (yet)! Fingers crossed!


A few days before Christmas we told the rest of the world that we are having another baby!!! So excited to share the news of this sweet baby!  We announced to our family and close friends via Christmas card the first week of December.  

Dear Baby Willard #2---(Basically, we already know your name :) you will have the same first name no matter your gender!)  We went to the doctor for our monthly check up on Christmas Eve morning.  After the appointment Dr. Gorman asked if we had a few extra minutes.  I thought something was wrong, but he said, "Want to see your baby?" UMMMMM of course!! We were so excited and so grateful!! You were SO active.  I was so amazed at how much you were moving for it to be so early!  You kept throwing your leg up :)!  You had the sweetest little profile.  ahh-I just wanted to squeeze you!!  Your HR was 170!  Best little sound ever!

How's momma?
-my pants are already starting to be snug & it is definitely more comfortable to unbutton them in the car.... of course that may be accredited to all the Mojitos mexican food and cupcakes I've been eating.  oops.
-around week 7 i had it pretty rough! Ben had to come home a few times from work because i was throwing up so much... they prescribed me phenergan so I took half of one before bed one night..I got up and had a headache so around 8:30 I took a tylenol and it KNOCKED. ME. OUT.  I felt like I had been drugged or something.  I could not function and slept without moving for 4 hours. SO STRANGE!
-for about two weeks I wondered how I was ever going to get out of bed again....after all of that settled I started to feel somewhat normal
-the past two weeks I haven't slept much at night.. the "girls" are already super large...ha
-oh and.. I literally had to get out of bed to use the bathroom SEVEN times last night.. so that is super fun haha!
-now i'm just mostly "tired".. so I take a nap at least 3 times a week when Millie does..
-craving any and all fruits and juices. all. the. time., FRIED CHICKEN (I usually HATE slims, but have wanted it constantly), and mexican...
-foods i CANNOT even think about: ham, bbq sometimes, it disgusts me to cook chicken (just like with millie), hamburger meat..ANYONE JUST MENTIONING THE WORD CHUY'S MAKES ME SICK!

This pregnancy is already so much different than when I was pregnant with Millie Willard.  I was sick ALL. OF. THE. TIME. with her..this one has been a bit less dramatic :)))  Most days I wake up and just say out loud, "wow-- thank you, Jesus, that I feel well today!!!!"

I am SO excited to meet this sweet baby already!!!!! In some ways the past (almost) 12 weeks have flown by, but when I think of how much longer pregnancy is it seems to creep.  We basically found out the first second we possibly could have that we were pregnant--Nov. 1 (it was right after church). I took a pregnancy test---and it took less than one minute to show positive.  Ben says he's never seen me jump so high ahaha..but we still needed more proof so he went to grab two more digital ones--PREGNANT! We are hoping to find out gender at the end of January!!!!! EEEEEEEEKKK!!!

You have a little family that already loves you so much sweet sweet baby!  Can't wait to know you!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

A corrupt, beautiful, God-made world.

Lately I have found myself thinking a lot about how different the world around me seems.  It's almost created a sense of fear inside of me.  It feels like everywhere I turn there's another travesty happening.  People hurting, people's hearts broken, people so deeply desiring healing, people yearning for answers, people who don't know where to turn, people in need, people being ignored, people crying out for help.  Ah!

Who am I to act like I have the answers.  I don't.  I'm undereducated on so many topics being thrown around in society these days and even on topics of the past that seem to be resurfacing.  I usually feel like I just want to build a small underground village with room enough for all my people so we can escape all the crazy and hurt.  I want to help.  I want to be a voice of reason.  I want to help show hope, but I am terrified myself.

I recently posted a status update on my Facebook about "friendship".

As friends we are called to encourage, lift up, cheer on, stand in the same corner, celebrate in the happy times, hug in the hard, sacrifice, be intentional, be genuine, and just plain have each other's well-being at heart. As friends one of our successes is also the success of the other. Let's pat each other on the back and love each other hard--Makes life so much more pleasant! A dear friend said the other day--"I'd rather have four quarters than one hundred pennies".. Wake up tomorrow and be someone's quarter!!!

 I have my people and I am so thankful for them, but I have also been deeply hurt by friends in the past, and, sadly, I'm sure I have done the hurting to some also.  I just think we need each other in times like this.  We need people we can trust, people we can lean on, people who absolutely desire for us to be happy & us to be happy for them in return, people who help us strive to reach that happiness, people who keep our deepest darkest secrets-don't hold them against us, don't use them against us, and who trust us with theirs.  There's a need for more of these people! We need to be these people every single day of our lives.  We need to close our mouths and open our hearts.  We need to strip away our judgmental eyes and gossipy lips.  We need to put ourselves in others' positions and TREAT EACH OTHER LIKE WE WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED!----("we" meaning ME included)
This world is not our home.  These things that seem like ginormous every day disasters are not our eternity.  They will pass, but goodness gracious we have to love each other through them!

Getting caught up in every day life is easy, but sometimes every day life is hard.  It is just plain hard.
We recently built a house, and I remember in the middle of it all I sat down next to Ben one night and said, "I feel like I'm investing all this time and energy into something that is just going to waste away."  I immediately regretted the fact that I hadn't been investing all that energy into my relationship with Christ.  Letting myself get caught up in the day-to-day and looking at "the next best thing" had me feeling empty.  Yes-I was excited to build this home, move our family in, and start making memories, but I quickly realized it isn't WHERE we are that matters.  Jesus puts us right where we need to be, and He surrounds us with those he desires for us to be surrounded by to fulfill his purpose!
My friend Hope recently posted 1 John 2:15-17 and it was such an eye opener for me:

Do not love the world or anything in the world.  If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.  For everything in the world- the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does- comes not from the Father but from the world.  THE WORLD AND ITS DESIRES PASS AWAY, BUT THE MAN WHO DOES THE WILL OF GOD LIVES FOREVER.

It goes right along with the fact that there's more to life than what this world has to offer, but it also agrees with the idea that we (I) have got to stop letting myself get caught up in the "keeping up" and just enjoy what and who I have!

Every season of life has its peeks and pits.  Sometimes the pits seem so deep, and other times the small pits are overshadowed by the monstrous peeks!  Whatever the season of life is and whatever curve balls come our way we can rest in knowing that Jesus is our atoning Sacrifice and in Him and through Him we have a glorious awakening coming! Come, Lord, Jesus... come!!!!!

Thursday, October 1, 2015


I look back at you in your carseat-- the sun reflecting off your baby blues and rosy cheeks because you always get hot and bothered when i'm trying to put you in the car-- and i cannot help but say, "THANK YOU, JESUS FOR MAKING HER MINE"

Your sweet little voice.  The way you make such a big deal of the things that seem so small to our adult eyes and minds.  Your pitter patter when you walk.  Your sweet blonde curls.  Your dance moves.  How you "jump".  When you say "you okay momma?" and put your arm around my neck.  When we say, "let's pray to Jesus" and you cup your hands and touch your nose to them.  When you sing Jesus Loves Me and I'm a Little Tea Pot.  When you cuddle me and your tiny delicate fingers pat me on the back like you are letting me know you love me and saying "thank you, momma".  When you say "Go Way" to EmJay.  When you cup your ear and make the biggest o with your mouth every time you hear an "aypane" in the sky.  How you gaze out the window with such innocence.  How you double pump your arm with a pointed finger when you REALLY want something or say "okay okay".  How you say the word pumpkin--- "puhnkhin".  Your long skinny legs.  When you lay on your belly and kick in the bath tub.

Every day is different--You say something new, do a new gesture, have a new dance move, try a new food (ha yeah right.. just dreaming there), or discover something your eyes have never noticed.  I am in disbelief and completely grateful that I get to be here every day- that I am the momma that gets to have such a spectacular, full of life, energetic, talkative, silly head, dancing machine, sing her heart out, hug me so tight I can't breathe little girl to make every day even more than a blessing than it already was before you woke up.  I know it's not because of anything "good" I did--- It's because Jesus decided to send you to fill my days with joy.  He trusted me with you.  He daily trusts me to pour into you the wisdom and love that He is continuously providing me.  He also desires your heart, Millie.  Praise Him for that!

So, to my 19 month old ray of sunshine, this is what i pray for you.
I pray that the days of your life will be long.  So long that you fill them to the brim with things and people you love and you don't waste a single second looking down on yourself or wallowing in regret.  That you never stop seeing the world as such a large land that was created for your exploration.  That you see people for who they truly are--and that is who God sees them as.  That you find their identity and especially your own identity in our Lord.  He loves you, Millie.  I pray that you have friends.  That you have friends who will also love Jesus.  I pray that you have friends whose parents love Jesus.  That those friends are lights in your life and that, in return, you are a light to them.  I pray that your heart beats to the same rhythm as the heart of our Savior.  That you look for those who need help, believe in those who are helping alongside you, and that you help until you can't help anymore.  I pray that you love.  That you love with grace, mercy, consistency, prayerfully, selflessly, and shamelessly.  I pray for your sexuality.  That you will find a man who is lost in a love affair with Jesus.  That your relationship will be built on biblical truth, and that you will allow the Lord to guide you through life purely until the day you say "I do".  I pray for our relationship.  That you will see me as your mother, your teacher, your confidant and sounding board, your shoulder, your hand to help you up and lift you up, your arms that are wailing in the air cheering you on for all things you believe in, your beautician until my ways are no longer cool (which may be sooner than I hope), and as a sister in Christ.  I pray for your health.  That Jesus lays his hands on your life with a clean bill of health so that you can energetically use your hands, feet, voice, and heart to serve Him.  I pray for your happiness.  That you'll share joy in every place you plant your feet.  That you won't lose that contagious giggle and million dollar smile.  That you will still twirl all around and not worry about what people watching may think.  That the hard times will be overshadowed by blessings and strength.  I pray that you allow yourself to be YOU! I pray that Millie Everett Willard is a warrior for Christ.  Go get 'em, sweet baby girl.

18 months have come and gone

Millie- did you think I had forgotten you?!
Nope.. i've still been keeping monthly updates in your journal, but decided since you are ONE AND A HALF it calls for me to sit down, breathe, and digest all the changes in our lives the past six months!

You are amazing.  You make me smile and make my heart feel like it is going to bust at the seams every single day.

You do so many exciting things but first I want to list my favorites:
-you want kix or trix all day long.  You want them in a bowl you can carry around the house.  You go to the pantry, get the box out, bring it to me, and then your tiny little hands cup it at the bottom and you trot all over crunching away.
-you say "YEEHAW" when you get excited about something or in the place of "Yes"... i credit Sheriff Callie
-"Hey Yewww"
-when i say, "Let's go (insert anything here)..." you say "okayyyy" in the highest pitch voice and sometimes when you're bored with me it's more of a shoulder shrug and "hmmmmkay" :D
-you jump--which is more of a lift up on your toes and throw your arms up
-you say "ready, set, goooooo" or "1,2,3, Goooo" and take off running and go tag a wall or some object then run back to the starting point
-you can wear pigtails (oh my lands- so precious)
-the way you eat pizza---getting just the toppings and cheese off with your teeth makes me laugh every time
-the pitter patter of your feet on this floor
-shake your booty
-the way you say diaper..
-your wave and "dyyyyye dyyyeee" (bye bye)
-when you lay on your belly in the bathtub and kick your legs up behind you
-when you put your hands together and duck your head to pray
-how excited you get over the smallest things then bend over and creep around moving your feet so quickly with your fists quenched "okay okay okay"
-how much you LOVE your tent
-when you randomly lay down on your belly on a floor and pat it
-when you pat my back when i'm rocking you or holding you

you wear mostly 12-18 month clothes
size 4 diapers
sleep through the night! woo oho
about an hour nap each day

We finally moved into our new house!! YOU LOVE IT! you love the stairs and the porches the most. outside is your favorite place other than the play room *you love to show that off when we have visitors*

Thursday, March 12, 2015

"how old is she?" "ummm... ONE YEAR OLD" WAH WAH WAH

Oh, Millie...
I've sat down to write this too many times to count.  I got so overwhelmed with: where to start, what to say, how i'd keep it all together and not ruin the computer with my tears.
But, I wanted it to get done, so here goes..

A YEAR???  Let me say, I have a whole new way of thinking for what a year means.  365 days.  I have loved you for 365 days... yet so many more than that! I loved you before I even knew I was pregnant--i loved you as soon as your daddy and I decided we were ready to have a baby, before I went to the doctor and found out you were real, before Mrs. Dawn showed us you were a girl, before I felt you kick, before I felt your hiccups inside my belly that didn't grow very much, before you started running out of room in there, before I felt the first contraction, before the epidural (ha), before I heard your first cry, and before they handed you to me and i drenched you in my tears.  I remember thinking how perfect every little part of you was that night, and I still feel that way today (in a healthy not spoiling my child kind of way).  So enough about infant, teeny tiny little Millie.  Let's move on to what ONE YEAR HAS BROUGHT FOR YOU!!!!

Ahhhhhhhh! What can you do??:
-walk all over the place
-talk talk talk talk...
-you know how to throw a fit (working on time out)
-hold our hand
-turn on/off a light
-shut the door
-wave bye bye
-sprint--hahahah soon funny--you stick your head down and go!
-dance (all the time)
-sing parts of abc song
-hum... mainly to wheels on the bus, abc song, twinkle twinkle... you do it lots in the bath and laying in your crib
-you soothe yourself to sleep: our new routine for naps/bed time is to read  I Love You Through and Through, you close it, we say "all done", turn off the lamp, I sing twinkle twinkle three times (sorry you hear my voice so much but for some reason you like it.. ha.. promise you'll learn there are better singers out there), then i say either "nap nap time millie" or "night night time millie" in your ear and put you down.  You're usually asleep within 2 minutes.
-you are so strong--you carry around the heaviest toys!

You're saying:
mama, dada, OKAY, uh huh, ugh oh, yes, no, bye, hi, hi dad, here ya go, hi dare, woahhhh, wow, ahhhh done (all done)

You love: your doc mcstuffins car, straws, your new comfy chair, your coop car, wagon, tent in the living room and all of your stuffed animals, playing with belts in my closet, your baby dolls, sitting on the couch by yourself, talking to emjay (she was inside with us quite a bit with all of the snow), books books books, singing with the tv, singing veggie tales in the car, your new car seat, being tickled, taking off people's glasses, jewelry, having the blinds open, hiding in the curtains, snuggling, giving love, eye lashes, phones, remotes, CORDS (AHHH), playing in the cabinets/bowls/tupperware, your magnetic letters and bus that sings on the refrigerator, to sit with me while i get ready, playing on the treadmill, bath time (your mermaid)---you are no longer a fan of having lotion rubbed on you, though

Your favorite foods: strawberries--every meal, sweet potatoes/fries, mac and cheese, water, spaghetti and meatballs, yogurt, goldfish, apple sauce, and honest fruit punch juice

What else:
-your naps are now at least TWO HOURS LONG! WHAAAAAT??
-you've slept through the night a few times.. three nights to be exact.. ha
-you weigh 19.8 pounds (tiny gal)
-size 4 diapers
12-18 m clothes (shirts are still kind of big)
-you like to help "put things away" and say here ya go over and over

So.... i thought about doing a separate post about this, but I guess I should explain when your naps/sleeping habits changed.  As of today, it has been 8 days since I last nursed you.  I honestly could not have imagined how hard this would be for me.  Maybe it's because it was much easier for you to wean than I expected?  You've handled it like a champ.  Me, not so much.
How'd it go?
We had your one year check up on Wednesday, the 25th and got the okay for whole milk.  So, on Thursday I let you try it in a sippy cup.  You weren't very interested.  I dropped the first feeding that afternoon.  You were a little whiny but I gave you water and goldfish and you were on your way.  The next day I skipped the same feeding.  Nothing dramatic from you that day, either.  Saturday, I did not feed you mid-morning or the afternoon feeding.  The morning was a little more challenging, but I was able to distract you.  Sunday we skipped morning, lunch, and afternoon.  I was starting to realize you were catching on much quicker than I thought, and could feel the emotions rising in me.  I started paying much better attention at our before bath nursing time.  (tears are coming now as I type)
I started watching you and closing my eyes trying to soak it all in.
Ben told me, "Write down what the experience is like for you so you don't forget the little things"... Which I wish i had written more in the journal i'm keeping for you along the way.  So, I did write it down.... here's what I wrote:
Oh, sweet millie.  I never knew how much I would love these sweet moments we get to spend just the two of us.  There's no one else that gets to have this sweet bond with you.  You "need" me and that makes my heart swell with joy.  Being your momma is the most special gift the Lord has given me, but being able to nurse you this long makes it even sweeter.  I am so thankful to have been able to do this for you (nothing I did of course, all God, there).  The way your little body stretches across my lap--amazing how you just got longer and longer without me realizing--before I knew it your feet were reaching across the chair arm.  The way you lay your hand on my chest as you nurse.  MELTS ME EVERY TIME.  The little sounds that come from you.  I remember how much I loved when you were smaller how the milk would dribble down your chin and you would just pass out on me.  The smack you started doing the past few months when you were done.  Then you would pop straight up and start chattering almost like saying "THANKS MOM! I'M DONE NOW!".... Just the silence that overwhelms the room during those few short minutes.  It's just you and me, kiddo.  I can never tell you the feeling it would give me to be able to share this with you.  Thankful does not begin to describe it.
You had gotten much better about not waking up as much throughout the night.  The 10:30 dream feed time that you never grew out of was our last feeding to tackle.  This was the one I had been worrying about the past few weeks because I just knew it would be impossible to get you out of it.  You had actually been sleeping through it the past two nights, but Wednesday you woke up around 11 pm screaming!  I had fallen asleep, but heard you on the monitor and sat straight up in bed.  I felt my chest tighten up and for some reason the Lord let me know that this was going to be the last time.  I promise you I almost threw up because I felt so many different things and knew there was no way I could change that this was going to be it.  I started crying before I even made it out of my bedroom door.  I scooped you up out of your crib, turned on the lamp, and nursed you.  Tears all over the place, thinking about all the times we had sat in that chair--just the two of us-- I rocked and cried and sang and cried..... then you were done and started snoozing right away.  I did not want to put you back in that crib.  I sat there rocking and crying and thinking and praying for at least 30 minutes (you only nursed for about 2 minutes).  I put you down and said out loud, "thank you sweet Jesus for this".  I went back to bed and your daddy was sitting up in bed waiting on me.  Apparently, I was crying so much he had to turn the monitor off.  oops.  he sat there with me and let me cry and talked me down to calmness.
The next morning I had a sweet peace that we were done, but you still weren't taking much milk.  tone-tone talked me into putting a drop of chocolate in it, and you've been good to go since then!  Way to go Millie Everett!!! SO SO PROUD OF YOU!!

To say I'm proud to be your momma is an understatement! I love you more than I could ever tell you, Millie Willard.  Thank you for letting me love you!  I am so excited to see how much you grow, what you learn, watch you experience life, and watch you learn how to love in this next year!

post about your birthday party & actual birthday coming eventually ;)


Thursday, January 29, 2015

Oh, darling don't you ever grow up. 11 months old!

Okay, MILLIE WILLARD.  You are WAY too close to one year old.
Wasn't I just walking into the living room on a random Sunday night at 10 pm, mouth dragging the floor, eyes bugged out.. looking at your daddy like a deer in headlights as I said, "Ummm can you take me to Wal-Mart??".. then, as I further explained, he said "no way... oh, wait.. YOU'RE SERIOUS?!".... (THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT PREGNANCY TEST THAT WAS IN OUR WHITE ELEPHANT GIFT AT SMALL GROUP CHRISTMAS PARTY)..haha.. took five pregnancy tests that night!   Wasn't I just sitting in the ultrasound room with Dawn seeing you for the first time??  Wasn't I just sitting on an airplane for two hours trying to leave NYC puking in a paper bag? (that one was great fun)..  Wasn't I just watching and feeling your little feet and knees poking through my belly?  Wasn't I JUST soaking in the bath at midnight in denial that I was in labor???????

I guess that is enough sulking for now.  Let's move on to the happies.....

*What's new with you:
-love to put things on your wrist.. toilet paper rolls, stacking rings, my old bangles.. and after you put them on you wave your little hands like miss america..
-"tank yewwww" (thank you)
-"Hi" and wave
-I taught you "shhhh" and to put your finger over your mouth when you make the sound.  so cute!.. you do it so dramatically!
-"oh, wow"
-"awwww" and lay your head on us or against us and pat our back/leg/whatever
-"reading" and point at things in books all the time
-playing in the tupperware drawer in the kitchen
-you throw things down (on purpose) and say "uh ohhhh"... yeah it was cute the first couple of times...ha
-banging on the tray when you want more food
-trying to suck your food up by putting your head on the high chair tray.. such a lady, you are.
-you like to sit on the couch like a big girl
-singing along to mickey mouse
-you like to turn lights on and off
-you play really well on your own
-you don't realize it and stand up underneath the table and bonk your head every stinkin time
-love to brush your teeth
-put everything up to your ear and say "hewwwwooooo" like it's a phone
-hold the remotes and point them to the tv
-you are obsessed with my makeup and pretend you are putting it on...and you always put the hair brush up to your head
-you get your socks and hold your feet up (you know where they go :))
-you tried a real "DESSERT" for the first time: chick fil a cookies--- such a mess but you enjoyed!
-your daddy sniffs your feet, says shewwww weeeeeee, and you giggle like crazy
-you climb on everything
-you threw a real tantrum a few weeks ago (but haven't really had one quite that bad since)... like screamed and hit your hands on your legs over and over because I wouldn't push you anymore on your elephant... emily was here so I was SUPER embarrassed and got really sweaty. ha.
-you. love. to. dance.... anytime there's music on you stop what you're doing to wiggle.. we recently discovered "bug band" on hulu and that is super fun to watch you interact with!

*What else:
-still size 4 diapers (we use Pampers baby dry)
-super curly hair..
-mostly 12m clothes (some are too short, but the shirts are gapping at the neck)
-you love strawberries, peaches, chicken noodle soup, mac n cheese, juice, potatoes, sweet potato fries, turkey, chicken, toast, scrambled eggs, ritz crackers, honey nut cheerios, kix, vanilla wafers
-12-18m shoes/size 3/4
-not a fan of bows or anything on your head anymore (sad times for mommy)
-you still reallllllyyyy love bath time!
-you slept through the night for about 2 weeks.. now we are kinda off again.. (waking at 10:30, 12:30, 3:30 and 5)... but you still take 2 one hour naps each day (you boycotted your afternoon nap for about a week and a half)
-still sleep with a sound machine
-love to be in the laundry room
-love swinging (the weather has been super nice so we've had lots of walks with friends and been to the park quite a bit!)
-you've taken steps here and there but still not walking all over the place
-your crawl has turned into something comical... you straighten your arms and legs--walk on your tiptoes and palms with your butt up in the air...
-you love to wave and say hi to everyone in stores

You have me wrapped around all 10 of your little fingers (your daddy, too).  Every single day I wake up and am so thankful I get to spend it with you!  I never know what to expect, which makes it even more fun!

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No, no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Every Good and Perfect Gift is From Above

You are our gift, Millie Willard. EVERY DAY, you are our gift.

Every single day is different with you in it.  I feel like you learn something (or a couple somethings) new every day.  It amazes me how quickly you catch on to things.  I say something once and you repeat it 50 times.  The other day I said "uh oh" and you said it at least 10 times right after.  You also say "wow" continuously.  As of last week, you say "HI' in the most precious sweet voice I have ever heard and throw your right hand in the air. (all day every day) and you usually look at the door and say "Hi dad" thinking it is time for your daddy to come home.  I think you anticipate him coming home all day long.  Also, we decided if you could say "woof" in association with a dog (and point to emjay and say dah dah--dog-- and "woof" then you were ready to move on to other animals.  So one night we showed you the cow on your animal puzzle and said "moo"... the next morning you grabbed the cow off of your shape sorter...crawled it over to the cow on your busy town and said moo moo over and over until i looked at you.  I didn't even know there was a cow on the busy town!  That's how quickly you catch on.  You noticed the cow in one of your books and said moo.  A few days later I tried to move on to the pig and said "oink" you looked at me like a crazy person and now you giggle every time I say it. ha!
Walking..... yep. You're walking.  On January 10 you took 6 steps... and on January 14 you took 12!!.. I can't explain why but the instant you took those 6 steps I looked at you and you looked completely different.  Your daddy and I were just talking last night and wondering if it matters how hard we try to mark these things in our memory if in 10..20..30 years if we will still be able to picture your tiny baby self and what it looked like to see you and watch you do these things.  We so badly want to be able to remember the details.  You are so beautiful.  Your voice is my favorite sound in the whole world.  You rarely let me rock you to sleep anymore. You get so wiggly and I just have to end up putting you in the crib and you fall asleep.  So sad for me.  but... the other night you fell asleep on my chest and you better believe I sat there until my leg went numb. tears all down my face.

I've started planning your first birthday party and I believe I'm somewhat in denial that this is reality.  I feel like I was just putting a nursery together, watching my belly move in the bathtub, running to the bathroom at school to throw up (ha), holding you in the hospital while your daddy slept not wanting to send you to the nursery because I couldn't stop staring at you, giving you your first bath, rocking you for the first time in your nursery, taking you to church for the first time, or being scared to touch your little belly button or change your clothes.... where did those days go???? I'm so afraid I will forget those tiny yet BIG memories.  I don't want to forget!  I want to be able to tell you all the little details even though I know you will roll your eyes and ignore me until you're a first time momma who had no idea she could love a human being so much.  I just want to scoop you up and beg you to love me and beg you to let me be close to you when you are a teenager and i'm not cool anymore! Ahhh! I'm about to be the momma of a one year old.  disbelief.  seriously.  Ordered your new car seat two weeks ago. yep. denial.

Christmas was so fun with you, millie.  You said "wow" to every little thing.   It was my favorite Christmas in the history of ever having you here with us and to see the joy across your little face.  You paid attention to the smallest little details and it really made me slow down to soak it all in and think about what Christmas really is.  Thank you.

Uncle Wayne told me something while we were at Nanny and Papaw's for Christmas that I will never forget.  I, in true emotional Jamie fashion, walked around the yard and could not stop crying thinking about missing Nanny.  I kept thinking about every year of my life being there on Christmas Eve and Christmas, helping her decorate her tiny tree, and what she did to make every holiday everything every one of us dreamed it to be.  She was/is so amazing.  I cried because I wanted my Nanny there. I wanted her to tell me that I could make the cheese dip so it would be ready when everyone else got there on Christmas Eve night.  I wanted her to tell me she had my special pecan pie sitting on the table in the front bead room.  I wanted her to be there.   I wanted her sitting right there on the couch we had just been sitting on where she always was talking with her hands and telling stories in her long southern drawl with her slippers on her feet.  I remembered the Christmas after she was "cancer free" from breast cancer when Wendi got us all pink pearl bracelets....   I wanted to walk in the bedroom to see her sitting on the bed opening her Christmas gifts in private so that Papaw wouldn't know how much money she got and she could hide it somewhere in the house from him.  Then I remembered that last year she had opened her gifts at the kitchen table (on the opposite end from him.. which wasn't like her at all)... and I remembered I sat right beside her and she asked me to help her open every single gift because she said her hands hurt too much.  Ben was the first to see me crying.. then uncle wayne.  Millie was standing in the back of the tailgate and he asked what was wrong with me.. I said "I just miss her.  It isn't fair.  She should be here" and he said "she's right there.  Just look in those eyes.  There she is (and pointed to Millie)"   Yep.  The Lord called Nanny home with him but he gave me you to fill my heart back up with joy.  He always knows what we need.

Your dainty little curls on the back of your head, your sky blue eyes, your tiny little finger nails, chubby long feet that you crunch up every time I try to put shoes on you, your hands that clap constantly, your squishy little booty, sweet baby scrunched nose that you have just discovered the holes on and love to put your fingers in, your rolls on your thighs, your milk gut, and your arms that you wrap around my neck to give me love...... those are my daily gifts.

I love you every day, Millie Willard.